Remember the book 'Men are from
Mars, Women are from Venus?'
Well, here's a prime example offered by an English professor .
The following was actually turned in by two of
his English students: Rebecca, and Gary.
"Today we will experiment with a new form
called the tandem story. The process is simple. Each
person will pair off with the person sitting to his
or her immediate right. One of you will then write
the first paragraph of a short story. The partner
will read the first paragraph and then add another
paragraph to the story. The first person will then
add a third paragraph, and so on back and forth.
Remember to re-read what has been written each time
in order to keep the story coherent. There is to be
absolutely NO talking and anything you wish to say
must be written on the paper. The story is over when
both agree a conclusion has been reached."
(First paragraph by Rebecca)
At first, Laurie couldn't decide which kind
of tea she wanted. The chamomile, which used to be
her favorite for lazy evenings at home, now reminded
her too much of Carl, who once said, in happier
times, that he liked chamomile. But she felt she
must now, at all costs, keep her mind off Carl. His
possessiveness was suffocating, and if she thought
about him too much her asthma started acting up
again. So chamomile was out of the question.
(Second paragraph by Gary)
Meanwhile, Advance Sergeant Carl Harris,
leader of the attack squadron now in orbit over
Skylon 4, had more important things to think about
than the neuroses of an air-headed asthmatic bimbo
named Laurie with whom he had spent one sweaty night
over a year ago. "A.S. Harris to Geostation 17, he
said into his transgalactic communicator. "Polar
orbit established. No sign of resistance so far..."
But before he could sign off, a bluish particle beam
flashed out of nowhere and blasted a hole through
his ship's cargo bay. The jolt from the direct hit
sent him flying out of his seat and across the
cockpit.
(Rebecca)
He bumped his head and died almost immediately
but not before he felt one last pang of regret for
psychically brutalizing the one woman who had ever
had feelings for him. Soon afterwards, Earth stopped
its pointless hostilities towards the peaceful
farmers of Skylon 4. "Congress Passes Law
Permanently Abolishing War and Space Travel,"
Laurie read in her newspaper one morning. The news
simultaneously excited her and bored her. She stared
out the window, dreaming of her youth, when the days
had passed unhurriedly and carefree, with no
newspapers to read, no television to distract her
from her sense of innocent wonder at all the
beautiful things around her. "Why must one lose
one's innocence to become a woman?" she pondered
wistfully.
(Gary)
Little did she know, but she had less than 10
seconds to live. Thousands of miles above the city,
the Anu'udrian mothership launched the first of its
lithium fusion missiles. The dim-witted wimpy
peaceniks who pushed the Unilateral Aerospace
Disarmament Treaty through the congress had left
Earth a defenseless target for the hostile
alien empires who were determined to destroy the
human race. Within two hours after the passage of
the treaty the Anu'udrian ships were on course for
Earth, carrying enough firepower to pulverize the
entire planet. With no one to stop them, they
swiftly initiated their diabolical plan. The lithium
fusion missile entered the atmosphere unimpeded. The
President, in his top-secret Mobile submarine
headquarters on the ocean floor off the coast of
Guam, felt the inconceivably massive explosion,
which vaporized poor, stupid, Laurie and 85 million
other Americans. The President slammed his fist on
the conference table. "We can't allow this! I'm
going to veto that treaty! Let's blow 'em out of the
sky!"
(Rebecca)
This is absurd. I refuse to continue this
mockery of literature. My writing partner is a
violent, chauvinistic semi-literate adolescent.
(Gary)
Yeah? Well, you're a self-centered tedious
neurotic whose attempts at writing are the literary
equivalent of Valium. "Oh shall I have chamomile
tea? Or shall I have some other sort of FUCKING
TEA??? Oh no, I'm such an air headed bimbo who reads
too many Danielle Steele novels."
(Rebecca) Asshole.
(Gary) Bitch.
(Rebecca) Wanker.
(Gary) Slut.
(Rebecca) F*CK YOU - YOU NEANDERTHAL!!!
(Gary) Go drink some tea - whore.