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|Der kleine David war eine Niete
in Mathematik. Seine Eltern versuchten alles: Lehrer, Erzieher, Quizkarten, spezielle
Unterrichtszentren und nichts half. Als letzten Ausweg riet ihnen jemand, eine katholische
Schule zu versuchen. "Die Nonnen dort sind streng", sagten sie.
David wurde prompt nach St. Marys zur Schule gegeben. Schon am ersten Tag nach der Schule lief David durch die Tür und schnurstracks in sein Zimmer, sogar ohne seiner Mutter einen Kuss zu geben. Er begann, wie wild zu lernen; Bücher und Papiere fanden sich über das ganze Zimmer ausgebreitet. Sofort nach dem Essen lief er nach oben, ohne das Fernsehen zu erwähnen und vergrub sich noch mehr in die Bücher.
Seine Eltern waren erstaunt. Dieses Betragen dauerte wochenlang an bis zum Tag der Notenverteilung. David legte den Umschlag still auf den Tisch und ging voller Schrecken auf sein Zimmer.
Seine Mutter öffnete den Umschlag. David hatte in Mathematik eine Eins erhalten! Sie lief in sein Zimmer hinauf, schlang die Arme um ihn und fragte:"David, Liebling, wie ist das passiert? Waren es die Nonnen"?
"Nein", antwortete David. "Am ersten Tag, als ich in der Schule den Burschen sah, der an das Pluszeichen genagelt war, wusste ich, die verstehen keinen Spaß!"
Ein alter Mann in Idaho, USA, möchte seinen Garten umgraben, aber die Arbeit ist viel zu schwer für ihn. Für gewöhnlich hilft ihm sein Sohn Bubba bei der Gartenarbeit, aber der sitzt zur Zeit im Gefängnis.
So schreibt ihm der alte Mann einen Brief, in dem er ihm von seinen
Nächsten Morgen, um 4 Uhr früh, stehen FBI Agenten und Polizei mit einem Durchsuchungsbefehl vor dem Haus. Sie beginnen auch gleich, das ganze Feld systematisch umzugraben ohne jedoch auch nur eine Leiche zu finden. Darauf entschuldigen sie sich und verschwinden wieder.
Noch am gleichen Tag erhält der alte Mann noch einen Brief seines Sohnes aus der Strafanstalt: "Lieber Dad, jetzt kannst du die Kartoffel aber anbauen! Das war unter den gegebenen Umständen das einzige, was ich für dich tun konnte. In Liebe, Bubba."
An elderly couple is enjoying an anniversary dinner together in a small tavern.
The husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind this tavern where you leaned against the fence and I made love to you."
"Yes," she says, "I remember it well." "OK," he says, "how about taking a stroll round there again and we can do it for old time's sake."
"Oooooooh Henry, you devil, that sounds like a good idea," she answers.
There's a police officer sitting in the next booth listening to all this, and having a chuckle to himself. He thinks, "I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble." So he follows them.
They walk haltingly along, leaning! on each other for support, aided by walking sticks.
Finally they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence.
The old lady lifts her skirt, takes her knickers down and the old man drops his trousers.
She turns around and as she hangs on to the fence, the old man moves in.
Suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the watching policeman has ever seen.
They are bucking and jumping like eighteen-year-olds.
This goes on for about forty minutes! She's yelling, "Ohhh, God!"
He's hanging on to her hips for dear life. This is the most athletic sex imaginable.
Finally, they both collapse panting on the ground. The policeman is amazed.
He thinks he has learned something about life that he didn't know.
After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on.
The policeman, still watching thinks, that was truly amazing, he was going like a train. I've got to ask him what his secret is.
As the couple pass, he says to them, "That was something else. You must have been having sex for about forty minutes. How do you manage it?
You must have had a fantastic life together. Is there some sort of secret?"
The old man says, "Fifty years ago, that damn fence wasn't electric!"
Two old ladies were sitting on a park bench outside the local town hall where a flower show was in progress. One leaned over and said, "Life is so damned boring. We never have any fun anymore. For $5.00, I'd take my clothes off and streak through that stupid flower show!"
"You're on!" said the old lady, holding up a $5.00 bill.
As fast as she could, the first little old lady fumbled her way out of her clothes and,
The naked lady burst out through the door surrounded by a cheering crowd.
"I won 1st prize as Best Dried Arrangement."
When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ball-point pens would not work in zero gravity.
To combat this problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion developing a pen
(which became eventually the Fisher Space Pen) that writes in zero gravity, upside down,
on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below
The Russians used a pencil.
Enjoy paying your taxes!
A plane is on its way to London when a blonde in Economy Class gets up and moves to the First Class section and sits down. The flight attendant watches her do this and asks to see her ticket. She then tells the blonde that she paid for Economy and that she will have to sit in the back. The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to London and I'm staying right here!"
The flight attendant goes into the cockpit and tells the pilot and co-pilot that there is some blonde bimbo sitting in First Class that belongs in Economy and won't move back to her seat. The co-pilot goes back to the blonde and tries to explain that because she only paid for Economy, she will have to leave and return to her seat. The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to London and I'm staying right here!"
The co-pilot tells the pilot that he probably should have the police waiting when they land to arrest this blonde woman that won't listen to reason. The pilot says, "I'll handle this. I'm married to a blonde. I have learned to speak ,blonde'!"
He goes back to the blonde, whispers in her ear, and without one question, she gets up and moves back to her seat in the Economy section. The flightattendant and co-pilot are amazed and asked him what he said to make her move without any fuss.
"I told her, First Class wasn't going to London."
On a British Airways flight from Johannesburg, a middle-aged, well-off white South African Lady has found herself sitting next to a black man. She called the cabin crew attendant over to complain about her seating.
"What seems to be the problem, Madam?" asked the attendant.
"Can't you see?" she said, "You've sat me next to a kaffir. I can't possibly sit next to this disgusting human. Find me another seat!"
"Please calm down, Madam." the stewardess replied. "The flight is very fulltoday, but I'll tell you what I'll do-I'll go and check to see if we have any seats available in club or first class."
The woman cocks a snooty look at the outraged black man beside her (not to mention many of the surrounding passengers). A few minutes later the stewardess returns with the good news, which she delivers to the lady, who cannot help but look at the people around her with a smug and self satisfiedgrin:
"Madam, unfortunately, as I suspected, economy is full. I've spoken to the cabin services director, and club is also full. However, we do have one seat in first class." - Before the lady has a chance to answer, the stewardess continues... "It is most extraordinary to make this kind of upgrade, however, and I have had to get special permission from the captain. But, given the circumstances, the captain felt that it was outrageous that someone be forced to sit next to such an obnoxious person."
With which, she turned to the black man sitting next to the woman, and said:
"So if you'd like to get your things, sir, I have your seat ready for you..."
At which point, apparently the surrounding passengers stood and gave a standing ovation while the black guy walks up to the front of the plane.